


Chaldea's Kitchen

by hypernova



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Hell's Kitchen (US TV) RPF
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 13:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20779346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypernova/pseuds/hypernova
Summary: I've been doing nothing for the past week but watch Hell's Kitchen and play FGO. This is my hell.





	Chaldea's Kitchen

It was a day like any other when the inciting incident happened. On that day, a servant arrived, a summoning that would forever change Chaldea…

“Master, are we ready for the summoning?” spoke Mash, excitedly laying down her shield. Gudako nodded, as Da Vinci began the summon protocol. Mash and her Master took a step back as the surging light formed a trio of rings, each spinning wildly and sparking. They finally converged, as a silhouette began to take shape within the veil of white.

“Summoning complete! It seems to be…hmm, Ruler class? It doesn’t match any previously recorded Spirit Origins…” Da Vinci hummed to herself as she fiddled more with the controls, as the light gradually faded out. The unknown servant took a step forward, revealing a crop of sandy hair that sat above his wrinkled brow.

“Right, what’s all this about?” He said, patting off the dust on the front of his white jacket. “You’re supposed to be my Master, are you?”

“That’s correct. My name is Gudako, and this is Mash Kyrielight. Over there is Da Vinci, and this here is Fou.”

“Fouu, fou!”

“Bloody hell, what is that thing?”

“Fou is Fou.” Said Gudako. 

“I’ll have to restrain myself from cooking it, I suppose.”

“F-Fou?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m only joking!” The servant bent down and gave Fou a few pats before standing back up and facing Mash. “So, where’s the kitchen in this place?” 

The next days passed relatively normally. The new Ruler Servant spent all of his time in the kitchen, talking mostly to Emiya and Tamamo Cat. He was a bit reluctant to disclose his True Name, choosing only to be referred to as “Chef”. And for the next few days, Chef could be seen chatting with various servants, having secret meetings with Romani and Da Vinci, and coaching Mash on proper kitchen technique. Until one day, Da Vinci requested that everyone gather in the briefing room…

“Good morning, everyone~♥!” giggled Da Vinci, clearly having more fun than anyone else in the room. “It’s time to announce our new mission for the next several weeks! And I’m excited to say that fourteen of you will be taking part in a new Holy Grail War!”

“What!?!” Shouted Gudako. “I don’t want to go to any more Singularities! I’m tired! Can’t it wait?!”

“Nothing to worry about! You won’t be involved at all, so you can kick your feet up and take a hard earned break!” 

“Eh?”

“Chef, if you will?” She motioned to Chef, who took the stage and began to glare out over the crowd. 

“Thank you, darling.” The Ruler looked through the crowd, seeming to pick people out with his gaze. There were quite a many servants here, some looking irritated, some excited, and some completely not paying attention.  
“Alright, listen up you wankers.” That got everyone’s attention.  
“I’ve spent the past few days getting to know a few of you, trying some of your cooking, and I’ve got to say, it’s a shame. A shame that Chaldea is wasting all its food on servants who can’t even cook!”  
He looked about angrily, pointing his finger at the gaggle of servants.  
“This Holy Grail War will be to determine who can cook the best in Chaldea! This is the reason for my summoning, and the purpose of the Holy Grail I have been entrusted with! This will not be a battle of blood and violence, but of culinarian skill and sweat!”

The crowd oohed and aahed, some not quite sure just what was going on. The rest were happy that there was to be no killing, and a select few were quite disappointed.

“The whole lot of you had been interviewed, and out of all of you, fourteen have been chosen to compete! You’ll be placed on one of two teams, between the ladies and the gentlemen, and you’ll all be eliminated one by one until only one Servant remains! Before I announce you lucky winners, let me introduce the team assisting me into whipping you into shape!”

A figure appeared on each side of Chef, and a third behind and to the left of him. The one on his right hopped up and down and waved happily to the crowd.

“Woof! I’m Tamamo! I’m gonna be the Sous Chef for the Red Team! Do your best, everyone!”

“I’m the Sous Chef for the Blue Team…though, red is more of my color. I suppose it can’t be helped. My name is Emiya; I will not go easy on any of you.”

“These two-“ said Chef, raising his voice slightly. “will be in charge of assisting and training when needed, but most importantly, keeping you jokers in line. In charge of front of house is this fellow here behind me.”

“Um…hello…” He said meekly, fidgeting with a small red piece of cloth. “My name is Waver Velvet; I’m very pleased to be working with you all! I can’t wait to-”

“Get back in line, Waver.”

“Y-Yes, Chef!”

“Right, so without further adieu, let’s reveal the contestants! Let’s have a look, shall we?”  
A projector clicked on somewhere, and the words “RED TEAM” appeared on the large screen. It was quickly consumed in a wreath of flame, replaced by a familiar face.

“Hi hi! Everybody knows me, but my name’s Astolfo! I wanna enter in Chef’s contest because I think it’d be a lot of fun! I want to learn lots and get really good at cooking! I can’t wait, so pick me, Chef!”

Astolfo was quickly replaced by Raikou’s figure; it seemed that these would be rapid fire.

“Oh my, a reason for entering? Well, I’d love to be able to cook more loving meals for my darlings…I’m somewhat of an expert when it comes to stews and broths, but I’m afraid I’m a bit inexperienced otherwise!”

“Since being summoned to Chaldea, I’ve had a lot of good food. British food isn’t very good in comparison, so I want to use this competition to win the Holy Grail, and introduce rice to the people of Britain!” Artoria said, resolutely pouting and holding her head high.

“What the hell do you think? You come in here and ask me why I’m entering? I want to win! I want to rub it in their smug faces-no, I don’t know who’s entering, but I’m sure that goody-goody bitch will be. You’d better pick me, jerk!”  
“So, do you go by Jalter, or Jeanne?”  
“I don’t give a shit!”

“Ahahaha! I will create dishes so tremendously, evilly spicy that nobody will be able to handle it! An extreme demon of flavor that will melt everyone’s tongues! The entire culinary world will fear the name Oda Nobunaga!”

“Cooking? Of course I can cook! In fact, I think I can cook better than anyone here! Yeah, that’s right! I’ll show Ozy-, I mean, I’ll show everyone how well I can cook! I’ll win this competition for sure.”  
“Love the enthusiasm. What’s that over there, though?”  
“Oh, that’s just a Medjed. Try not to look at it.”

“Wow. Quite a lot of resolve on that team. But it’s not going to be easy. Let’s have a look at the competition.” Said Chef, the screen switching over to “BLUE TEAM”.

“A king must lead his people in all walks of life. The culinary arts are no exception. My reason for entering is a bit selfish, however…I have always desired the exquisite experience of drinking blood from the cusp of the Grail.”  
“You’re a weird one, you know that? What are you, some sort of vampire?”  
“…Perhaps.”

“…”  
“You’re not going to say anything? Didn’t you want to enter?”  
“Excuse me. I was lost in my thoughts. I would like to enter.”  
“Right, I’ve got that, but why?”  
“I am the hero of charity. I want to provide sustenance for all those who need it. I want to feed anyone who is hungry. I want to put bread in the hands of all who are empty.”  
“Well then, Karna. Can you cook?”  
“This, I cannot answer.”

“I could care less about cooking! A waste of time, if you ask me. Wait, Father’s entering?! Fine, I guess I’ll learn to cook! I’m not letting that bastard win!”  
“Mordred, aren’t you yourself a bastard?”  
“Shut it!”

“Gilgamesh, have you ever cooked before?”  
“A king, cook? How ridiculous. Why would a king lower himself to such a base task? I am entering because all treasures belong to me, including this Holy Grail! It will be mine!”

“Hahahaha…why enter, you ask? Simple! It is because I must win! Besides, there’s an arrogant fool of a king that I must put in his place, and a certain subordinate of mine that needs to be shown how a king cooks!”  
The next thirty seconds of this clip are just Ozymandias laughing wildly to himself. 

“I’m entering because I can cook anything! Wild boars, wild pigs, wild hogs, you name it! Just cook it up and serve it hot!”  
“Cu…Cu Chu…hell, that’s a hard one to say.”  
“Don’t worry about it! Lancer works just fine for me, Chef! I won’t let you down!” 

The sideshow of audition clips finally ended, replaced with a screen that showed both flattering and unflattering pictures of the contestants, along with their True Names. “You’ve seen your cooks. Now let’s see if they can cook. Because the Holy Grail War begins…tonight!”  
The crowd erupted, with cheers of “Chef! Chef!” and various other names being screamed and shouted. The chaos of Chaldea finally died down, as the contestants entered the staging area and prepared for their first night of service…

**Author's Note:**

> UHHHHH I MIGHT WRITE MORE OF THIS I DUNNO


End file.
